Showing posts with label Consciousness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Consciousness. Show all posts
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Filling the Well
"There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.
In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.
Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.
There are different wells within us.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far, far too deep
For that."
-- Hafiz
I was out walking out under a beautiful moon and radiant stars last night-- one of those nights when the high, juicy, vibrant energy of a warm summer evening
is SO delicious, you could scoop it out of the sky and eat it with a spoon! The neighborhood was very quiet and it seemed that the earth I walked on was an
open, sleeping, breathing being. The noises of the night filled the air. It was the kind of night where you can FEEL EVERYTHING growing. In the silence of
this lush summer symphony, my well was filled. I felt the voice from deep inside the well say "...I love you...". When that voice expresses those words, I
know some serious replenishment has happened!
Lots of unexpected chaotic energy and exhausting days this summer... I am FINALLY getting to start filling up what has been drained and dredged away in the
past couple of months of extreme activity.
Quiet moments do this for me: sitting by the creek in the afternoon, an afternoon at the spa, swimming in a spring fed pool or subterranean grotto, time with
a dear friend, a walk among alpine wildflowers......
This post is to remind ANYONE who has forgotten to STOP long enough to fill that precious well of yours ( in the ways you know will fill it) TO DO IT NOW.
Your world and your people need the AUTHENTIC YOU that this replenishment brings. But more importantly, YOU DESERVE to be running the kind of energy that
being finely replenished brings. The stuff that you worry and are concerned about can wait, dear ones. Fill yourselves today, or very very soon. You will
be glad you did.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How The Phoenix Rises: Step 1: Let Yourself Be Taken Down
I know, I know. "WHY?", you say, "Why in God's name would I ever consider doing THAT????"
First of all, don't believe a word I say-- although you might consider those of a master:
The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. ... Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring...The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation, can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of new life and Becoming opened.
Karlfried Graf von Durckheim, "The Way of Transformation"
...and another:
"We have a fear of facing ourselves. That is the obstacle. Experiencing the innermost core of our existence is very embarrassing to a lot of people. A lot of people turn to something that they hope will liberate them without their having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can't do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts. We have to see them. That is the foundation of warriorship, basically speaking. Whatever is there, we have to face it, we have to look at it, study it, work with it....."
-- Chogyam Trungpa
Reader, are you still asking "WHY?"
OK, then I'll tell you what I know for myself.
There's a lot happening right now in 2009 to take folks down, and it's been happening for some time. Bankruptcies, forecloseures, businesses failing, unfaithful marriage partners, family crises, big health issues for some-- the list goes on. You have your version of it and I have mine.
I happen to believe that there are silver linings in these clouds, although the storms of change they carry may wipe out every reference point for us that was dear and comfortable. Yes, there is a gift hidden in the rubble of the structure that once stood in your life, and it may have been a big, impressive structure at that. It could have been a landmark for other people important to you, but most importantly, yourself. It could have been the only thing you thought existed or represented who you were and that NOTHING could replace or match it.
I've got news for you. Something other than the stucture exists and NONE of us who got taken down were able to see past it or go outside it, for that matter. We were prisoners! When structures collapse, we're able to see and deal with what we were blind to or unwilling to work with. What we took for granted. What we didn't take action on...etc., etc., etc. We're also free of its confinements. What waits for us after the structure collapses is a new life, although it may be a life for which we have ZERO reference points and lots of fears and judgements. The wise place inside us knows this. The ego doesn't. It may fight tooth and nail to keep the structure alive and standing. It may also be running around, desperately trying to pick up the pieces to put it all back together again.
There's a great saying by Jack Handy, of "Saturday Night Live":
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
There's so much pain and and unhappiness that results as we try to fetch the keys! It comes in the form of trying to convince others that we're right by blaming, trying to cover stuff up, finding scapegoats, distracting ourselves with overwork and any number of addictions...and a thousand other "fixes". If we're determined to keep the old, we may get wake up call after wake up call in order to send the message that whatever we're trying to hold on to JUST DOESN'T MATCH WHO WE REALLY ARE. Some may literally die rather than looking at and taking action on what they need to change. There is something deeper inside that's screaming to get out and it will be heard at all costs. So the question becomes "When is it enough?" When have I had enough pain, enough dysfunction and enough struggle in order to finally let go of something that needs to be replaced by a reinvention of who I am?
One of the reasons may be that after the structure collapses, we don't have anything to hold on to, nothing to see ourselves by. This makes the ego go CRAZY. "If I can't be that, "I am nothing, I am a failure, I am worthless," is what the ego has decided prior to the structure collapsing, which is why so many are freaked out when it happens. The truth is, it's a place of REAL transformation and change.
There's a native american story called "The Shaman's Dream". In native cultures, the shaman or village healer-to-be will traditionally pass through experiences (created or natural) in which they are not expected to survive physically, BUT DO. The result is the healer is transformed from the inside out and everges as a very powerful leader and medicine person. The experiences can be anything from getting struck by lightening, to being out in the wilderness for weeks on end with nothing but a blanket and knife, to drowning, to getting bitten by a poisonous insect or reptile, etc. In this particular scenario the initate becomes sick with a very high fever so that she goes into a coma for several days. In the coma she experiences a dream in which she is torn apart by wild animals. In this dismemberment, hair is torn from the scalp, arms taken off, the heart ripped out and eaten(what a metaphor, eh?), eyes plucked from sockets-- you get the idea. She is not even recognizeable because so much of her physical body is now destroyed. She doesn't even recognize herself in this place of death. There is a space of time where the pieces of her former self just lie in the emptiness of her dream. The next thing that happens is that her body is put back together in this emptiness in a whole new way which makes her more powerful and gifted beyond measure. She awakens from the dream, totally "re-membered" to herself and the village. What's important to notice here is that NONE of this transformation gets to happen without her experience.
The place in the shaman's dream where the pieces lie is what indigenous cultures call "The Void". It's the "no-place" place of emptiness, in which the past is gone and the future is not yet here. It is the place of total darkness, like the new moon on a cold winter night. No light, which means navigating in a whole new way. Most people run from this place like crazy. It can be the most disorienting of expeiences for a person who doesn't know how to use its potency. But for the spiritual warrior, it is the crucible of the future. It waits for us as the empty hollow of a cauldron waits for the alchemist...who has in her hands the recipe for a magical elixer which will soon come into form. For the spiritual warrior, this is the place that holds the most powerful of healing medicines. More on "The Void" in the next post.
First of all, don't believe a word I say-- although you might consider those of a master:
The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. ... Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring...The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation, can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of new life and Becoming opened.
Karlfried Graf von Durckheim, "The Way of Transformation"
...and another:
"We have a fear of facing ourselves. That is the obstacle. Experiencing the innermost core of our existence is very embarrassing to a lot of people. A lot of people turn to something that they hope will liberate them without their having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can't do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts. We have to see them. That is the foundation of warriorship, basically speaking. Whatever is there, we have to face it, we have to look at it, study it, work with it....."
-- Chogyam Trungpa
Reader, are you still asking "WHY?"
OK, then I'll tell you what I know for myself.
There's a lot happening right now in 2009 to take folks down, and it's been happening for some time. Bankruptcies, forecloseures, businesses failing, unfaithful marriage partners, family crises, big health issues for some-- the list goes on. You have your version of it and I have mine.
I happen to believe that there are silver linings in these clouds, although the storms of change they carry may wipe out every reference point for us that was dear and comfortable. Yes, there is a gift hidden in the rubble of the structure that once stood in your life, and it may have been a big, impressive structure at that. It could have been a landmark for other people important to you, but most importantly, yourself. It could have been the only thing you thought existed or represented who you were and that NOTHING could replace or match it.
I've got news for you. Something other than the stucture exists and NONE of us who got taken down were able to see past it or go outside it, for that matter. We were prisoners! When structures collapse, we're able to see and deal with what we were blind to or unwilling to work with. What we took for granted. What we didn't take action on...etc., etc., etc. We're also free of its confinements. What waits for us after the structure collapses is a new life, although it may be a life for which we have ZERO reference points and lots of fears and judgements. The wise place inside us knows this. The ego doesn't. It may fight tooth and nail to keep the structure alive and standing. It may also be running around, desperately trying to pick up the pieces to put it all back together again.
There's a great saying by Jack Handy, of "Saturday Night Live":
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
There's so much pain and and unhappiness that results as we try to fetch the keys! It comes in the form of trying to convince others that we're right by blaming, trying to cover stuff up, finding scapegoats, distracting ourselves with overwork and any number of addictions...and a thousand other "fixes". If we're determined to keep the old, we may get wake up call after wake up call in order to send the message that whatever we're trying to hold on to JUST DOESN'T MATCH WHO WE REALLY ARE. Some may literally die rather than looking at and taking action on what they need to change. There is something deeper inside that's screaming to get out and it will be heard at all costs. So the question becomes "When is it enough?" When have I had enough pain, enough dysfunction and enough struggle in order to finally let go of something that needs to be replaced by a reinvention of who I am?
One of the reasons may be that after the structure collapses, we don't have anything to hold on to, nothing to see ourselves by. This makes the ego go CRAZY. "If I can't be that, "I am nothing, I am a failure, I am worthless," is what the ego has decided prior to the structure collapsing, which is why so many are freaked out when it happens. The truth is, it's a place of REAL transformation and change.
There's a native american story called "The Shaman's Dream". In native cultures, the shaman or village healer-to-be will traditionally pass through experiences (created or natural) in which they are not expected to survive physically, BUT DO. The result is the healer is transformed from the inside out and everges as a very powerful leader and medicine person. The experiences can be anything from getting struck by lightening, to being out in the wilderness for weeks on end with nothing but a blanket and knife, to drowning, to getting bitten by a poisonous insect or reptile, etc. In this particular scenario the initate becomes sick with a very high fever so that she goes into a coma for several days. In the coma she experiences a dream in which she is torn apart by wild animals. In this dismemberment, hair is torn from the scalp, arms taken off, the heart ripped out and eaten(what a metaphor, eh?), eyes plucked from sockets-- you get the idea. She is not even recognizeable because so much of her physical body is now destroyed. She doesn't even recognize herself in this place of death. There is a space of time where the pieces of her former self just lie in the emptiness of her dream. The next thing that happens is that her body is put back together in this emptiness in a whole new way which makes her more powerful and gifted beyond measure. She awakens from the dream, totally "re-membered" to herself and the village. What's important to notice here is that NONE of this transformation gets to happen without her experience.
The place in the shaman's dream where the pieces lie is what indigenous cultures call "The Void". It's the "no-place" place of emptiness, in which the past is gone and the future is not yet here. It is the place of total darkness, like the new moon on a cold winter night. No light, which means navigating in a whole new way. Most people run from this place like crazy. It can be the most disorienting of expeiences for a person who doesn't know how to use its potency. But for the spiritual warrior, it is the crucible of the future. It waits for us as the empty hollow of a cauldron waits for the alchemist...who has in her hands the recipe for a magical elixer which will soon come into form. For the spiritual warrior, this is the place that holds the most powerful of healing medicines. More on "The Void" in the next post.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Day 22: Why Blame Doesn't Work
How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Why Blame Doesn't Work
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.
I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.
You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror, and here are the stones.
--- Rumi
I received some news yesterday, more poured in today-- news that I didn't want to hear. Although some of you may be curious as hell what it actually was, I'm not telling. I must have some privacy for myself, amid the copious sharing of lots of other details about the inner workings of my life.
Content doesn't really matter anyway, it's what we do with it that matters. How often when we have an uncomfortable experience that challenges our ego do we jump to defend that place inside us that is about to take a huge leap in growth? Yes, growth. What knocked us may feel as if we've been pushed over the edge of a cliff and we're doomed to crash on the rocks below. Nothing but our own wings can save us. Many times we clip our own wings by blaming someone else. It's a very convenient and mostly automatic response to avoid taking any kind of personal responsibility that could really change ours and another's life.
Sure, my ego hurts and wants to be soothed protected by saying "It was totally THAT idiot's fault", but what about the bars in my cell that blaming protects and fortifies? What about my own wings that get clipped by every word of defense?
Blame is never about growth. It's ALWAYS about making someone else responsible for the pain and discomfort I FEEL.
So, I decide that the first step out of the cell is to FEEL. As I look at myself through the mirror of another's actions and words I get to sit with ME and all the emotions that I've landed in. There are no vicims here, only a portal, an opportunity to see the parts of myself that nothing but this moment could reveal to me. I also get to love and forgive myself and all the human things I have done. I drop the stones of blame I held, once poised to be flung at another (and thereby myself).
What remains? Where do I go from here? Truthfully in this moment, I have no idea. What I DO know is that now the emptiness will be filled with something more useful than blame. And before the emptiness of the portal is filled, I walk through.
What does any of this have to do with getting my bod back?
I can feel warm peace in my body instead of the tight stomach and cold, taught muscles that fear produced. I can breathe more easily.
No, the discomfort isn't completely gone, but as the river of self accountability flows, it will eventually carry all the discomfort away, every whit. Once again, I remember how to do this. I've done it before and it IS doable!
Another day, another win to get my body back.
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.
I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.
You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror, and here are the stones.
--- Rumi
I received some news yesterday, more poured in today-- news that I didn't want to hear. Although some of you may be curious as hell what it actually was, I'm not telling. I must have some privacy for myself, amid the copious sharing of lots of other details about the inner workings of my life.
Content doesn't really matter anyway, it's what we do with it that matters. How often when we have an uncomfortable experience that challenges our ego do we jump to defend that place inside us that is about to take a huge leap in growth? Yes, growth. What knocked us may feel as if we've been pushed over the edge of a cliff and we're doomed to crash on the rocks below. Nothing but our own wings can save us. Many times we clip our own wings by blaming someone else. It's a very convenient and mostly automatic response to avoid taking any kind of personal responsibility that could really change ours and another's life.
Sure, my ego hurts and wants to be soothed protected by saying "It was totally THAT idiot's fault", but what about the bars in my cell that blaming protects and fortifies? What about my own wings that get clipped by every word of defense?
Blame is never about growth. It's ALWAYS about making someone else responsible for the pain and discomfort I FEEL.
So, I decide that the first step out of the cell is to FEEL. As I look at myself through the mirror of another's actions and words I get to sit with ME and all the emotions that I've landed in. There are no vicims here, only a portal, an opportunity to see the parts of myself that nothing but this moment could reveal to me. I also get to love and forgive myself and all the human things I have done. I drop the stones of blame I held, once poised to be flung at another (and thereby myself).
What remains? Where do I go from here? Truthfully in this moment, I have no idea. What I DO know is that now the emptiness will be filled with something more useful than blame. And before the emptiness of the portal is filled, I walk through.
What does any of this have to do with getting my bod back?
I can feel warm peace in my body instead of the tight stomach and cold, taught muscles that fear produced. I can breathe more easily.
No, the discomfort isn't completely gone, but as the river of self accountability flows, it will eventually carry all the discomfort away, every whit. Once again, I remember how to do this. I've done it before and it IS doable!
Another day, another win to get my body back.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Day 10: Commitment: Self Saboteurs
HOW LYNDS GOT HER BOD BACK: Day 10: Commitment: Self Saboteurs
So sorry readers! I asked you to tune in the day after my last post, and it's now over a week later. GEESH! No excuses, I'm just hopping back in...
Comittment to a blog is important, too!
(Sigh)...so where was I?
Ah, self saboteurs. (laughing) Of course-- PERFECT.
Knowing I can't hang ANY responsibility on anyone else for my experience always allows me more freedom from the victim position when it comes to commitment.
I don't know about you, but here's how I sabotage myself.
1. I make unclear comittments, ones that PART of me can agree to, but not all of me. So there's a divided team inside from the start. For one, I often don't consult my body. More on that later.
2. I make unrealistic comittments, which immediately set me up for failure.
3. I create no support to keep me in my comittments. This is different than holding my support people responsible for my breaking my own comittments.
Here are a few more. In their book "The Conscious Heart", relationship pioneers Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks sum up four reasons why we break our commitments:
1. We make insincere commitments
2. We commit to things we cannot control
3. We leave a back door open
4. We make unconscious commitments that contradict the original commitment
If I'm really wanting to get my bod back, I'll set up the comittments I make to get my results along these guidelines:
1. Comittments are made from a whole being "YES" (body, mind, heart, spirit, adult and also the little kid within me. Yes, the kid gets a vote!)
2. I set up support and make clear agreements with those involved as to how to support me. AND THEN ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SUPPORTD. (Just a reminder to myself)
3. This is a NO EXIT game. Period. (I know, I know. There is a part of me chiding "god Lynds, what are you doing?")
4. I am 100% responsible for creating all of my experience.
5. I do a daily check in with my whole being (listed in #1 above. This will nip any kind of mutiny in the bud).
6. Recommit when necessary. (If I walked away from my first bike the moment I fell off, I'd have never had the pleasure of the bike rides I take today!)
As a parting observation, it's really interesting I'd be starting all this body stuff right before the biggest holday season of the year. Hmmm, hmmm......I guess I want a differnt experience of that this year!
So sorry readers! I asked you to tune in the day after my last post, and it's now over a week later. GEESH! No excuses, I'm just hopping back in...
Comittment to a blog is important, too!
(Sigh)...so where was I?
Ah, self saboteurs. (laughing) Of course-- PERFECT.
Knowing I can't hang ANY responsibility on anyone else for my experience always allows me more freedom from the victim position when it comes to commitment.
I don't know about you, but here's how I sabotage myself.
1. I make unclear comittments, ones that PART of me can agree to, but not all of me. So there's a divided team inside from the start. For one, I often don't consult my body. More on that later.
2. I make unrealistic comittments, which immediately set me up for failure.
3. I create no support to keep me in my comittments. This is different than holding my support people responsible for my breaking my own comittments.
Here are a few more. In their book "The Conscious Heart", relationship pioneers Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks sum up four reasons why we break our commitments:
1. We make insincere commitments
2. We commit to things we cannot control
3. We leave a back door open
4. We make unconscious commitments that contradict the original commitment
If I'm really wanting to get my bod back, I'll set up the comittments I make to get my results along these guidelines:
1. Comittments are made from a whole being "YES" (body, mind, heart, spirit, adult and also the little kid within me. Yes, the kid gets a vote!)
2. I set up support and make clear agreements with those involved as to how to support me. AND THEN ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SUPPORTD. (Just a reminder to myself)
3. This is a NO EXIT game. Period. (I know, I know. There is a part of me chiding "god Lynds, what are you doing?")
4. I am 100% responsible for creating all of my experience.
5. I do a daily check in with my whole being (listed in #1 above. This will nip any kind of mutiny in the bud).
6. Recommit when necessary. (If I walked away from my first bike the moment I fell off, I'd have never had the pleasure of the bike rides I take today!)
As a parting observation, it's really interesting I'd be starting all this body stuff right before the biggest holday season of the year. Hmmm, hmmm......I guess I want a differnt experience of that this year!
Thursday, November 12, 2009
How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Day 2: Commitment: Crossing the Abyss
Hooo-EEE!
Going over the edge of the cliff into commitment is quite the experience.
The reason I start with "the 'C' word: It's a place many of us run from. Yeah, I'm definitely NOT satisfied with where I am and want I the good stuff so bad I can taste it! I'll make that list of everything I'm going to do, things I know have worked in the past and absolutely WILL work today and tomorrow. I will begin with sparkling dreams and gusto through each day for a certain period of time, plunging through all kinds of adventures to come closer to attaining my prize. I'll start to get results and pat myself on the back for the results I've created. People will even compliment me and it feels like I'm on a roll.
Then something happens.
Before long I'm feeling the same way I did prior to embarking on the journey: disgusted with myself.
WHAT HAPPENED? I tell myself that somewhere along the way, THIS (whatever circumstance feels the most believeable) happened. Yup, that was it and I'm sticking to my story. It could be any one of a slew of circumstances (we all have our favorites), some of which might seem very understandable as to why I abandonded my ship. Even sadder is the fact that I didn't even throw myself a rope so I have a chance of being on board again. I just let myself go. It's then months and maybe even years before I attempt this project again.
The plain and simple fact here is that I surrendered my commitment.
Today I know that none of the reasons why I lost my grip even matter. None of the reasons why I didn't ask for support while I was falling don't matter either. Plain and simple, instead of recommiting, I gave up on myself. Instead of keeping my word TO ME, I let my dream fall farther and farther, eventually disappearing sight.
Wow, sit and breathe with that one for a moment, Lynds.
Admitting that fact is the first step to a major rewire in this area for me. Honesty is good medicine! It may be the first handhold that would save the sinking dream. Whew! Having that awareness, maybe I actually have a chance at this really hapening.
Now I can go over the cliff, embarking on the new adventure, but my sound advice to myself is that I'd better be on belay and have a damn good belayer. To leave the place of of "this isn't working and I want something different" to "I'm there and man, does this feel GOOD!", there's the not-so-little matter of crossing the space in between: The Abyss. Peering into the depths of it I see the wreckage of past years, even past months. It's not fun to look at and less fun to remember. YIKES!
The truth of getting the reliable belayer is that she's not far away. I stand in her shoes. No one is responsible for keeping my committment to be on belay other than myself. The farther away from myself I attempt to go to hang responsibility for this venture, the longer I'll put off my dream until it becomes too late. Trust me, I've done it far too many times, with miserable results. With myself now as belayer, how do I do that well, instead of turning into my own saboteur?
Tune in tomorrow!
Going over the edge of the cliff into commitment is quite the experience.
The reason I start with "the 'C' word: It's a place many of us run from. Yeah, I'm definitely NOT satisfied with where I am and want I the good stuff so bad I can taste it! I'll make that list of everything I'm going to do, things I know have worked in the past and absolutely WILL work today and tomorrow. I will begin with sparkling dreams and gusto through each day for a certain period of time, plunging through all kinds of adventures to come closer to attaining my prize. I'll start to get results and pat myself on the back for the results I've created. People will even compliment me and it feels like I'm on a roll.
Then something happens.
Before long I'm feeling the same way I did prior to embarking on the journey: disgusted with myself.
WHAT HAPPENED? I tell myself that somewhere along the way, THIS (whatever circumstance feels the most believeable) happened. Yup, that was it and I'm sticking to my story. It could be any one of a slew of circumstances (we all have our favorites), some of which might seem very understandable as to why I abandonded my ship. Even sadder is the fact that I didn't even throw myself a rope so I have a chance of being on board again. I just let myself go. It's then months and maybe even years before I attempt this project again.
The plain and simple fact here is that I surrendered my commitment.
Today I know that none of the reasons why I lost my grip even matter. None of the reasons why I didn't ask for support while I was falling don't matter either. Plain and simple, instead of recommiting, I gave up on myself. Instead of keeping my word TO ME, I let my dream fall farther and farther, eventually disappearing sight.
Wow, sit and breathe with that one for a moment, Lynds.
Admitting that fact is the first step to a major rewire in this area for me. Honesty is good medicine! It may be the first handhold that would save the sinking dream. Whew! Having that awareness, maybe I actually have a chance at this really hapening.
Now I can go over the cliff, embarking on the new adventure, but my sound advice to myself is that I'd better be on belay and have a damn good belayer. To leave the place of of "this isn't working and I want something different" to "I'm there and man, does this feel GOOD!", there's the not-so-little matter of crossing the space in between: The Abyss. Peering into the depths of it I see the wreckage of past years, even past months. It's not fun to look at and less fun to remember. YIKES!
The truth of getting the reliable belayer is that she's not far away. I stand in her shoes. No one is responsible for keeping my committment to be on belay other than myself. The farther away from myself I attempt to go to hang responsibility for this venture, the longer I'll put off my dream until it becomes too late. Trust me, I've done it far too many times, with miserable results. With myself now as belayer, how do I do that well, instead of turning into my own saboteur?
Tune in tomorrow!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
What am I Hungry For?
"Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Why would I start with this quote?
Because of the possibilities it opens up.
I'm seriously rethinking my eating habits and it's not even January 1 yet. I woke up with CHANGE coarsing through my veins and my gut this morning: I'm on the brink of outgrowing my largest pair of jeans, my energy is low, I feel sluggish and look it as well. The luster is gone out of my eyes....I'm unsettled, overcommited and NOT committed.
Duriing the last year and a half, I've had a string of supposedly close friends and family member break commitments and betray me.
I've had enough-- I'VE HAD IT!
Knowing the power of questions, I ask myself: Where is it I'm betraying myself?
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Why would I start with this quote?
Because of the possibilities it opens up.
I'm seriously rethinking my eating habits and it's not even January 1 yet. I woke up with CHANGE coarsing through my veins and my gut this morning: I'm on the brink of outgrowing my largest pair of jeans, my energy is low, I feel sluggish and look it as well. The luster is gone out of my eyes....I'm unsettled, overcommited and NOT committed.
Duriing the last year and a half, I've had a string of supposedly close friends and family member break commitments and betray me.
I've had enough-- I'VE HAD IT!
Knowing the power of questions, I ask myself: Where is it I'm betraying myself?
I'm going for the hard truth here. This is hardball if I'm not waiting until the holidays are over to change or be conscious of what or how much I put in my mouth.
Here's the truth: So often I hide my truth behind a cup of coffee and pastry, some chocolate or WHATEVER (wouldn't a trip to Starbucks be lovely just now instead of having the conversation I don't want to have, feeling the feelings I don't want to feel, looking at the gorilla of truth in the mirror, etc?).
I'm accelerating into the next question because it carries the terrifying avalanche of awareness and CHANGE: "What truth am I hiding with food?"
AAAUUUUGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! RUN FOREST, RUN or you'll be devoiured and consumed!
By truth.
Take a breath.
Take another breath.
Staring truth in the face and feeling it in the gut can be transformative. But then it launches one into new territory, often unknown territory.
So, please refer to the opening quote.
If you're reading this and have had enough of your present track-- so much that you're ready to WHATEVER IT TAKES to take one step at a time into the unknown-- then you know EXACTLY where we both stand today.
I'm getting to do today what I urge my clients to do: Let yourself see clearly what is in front of you, proceeding one step at a time. Often seeing clearly involves removing the obstacles to clarity.
And I don't need to see every step, all the way to my goal. All I need to see is the pool of light that my headlights of "one day at a time" cast on the road so I can make my journey. If I were travelling from L.A. to New York at night, this is how I'd do it.
Layers of resistance to change and deeper truth and awareness can burst immediately when we allow ourselves see without the medication of food....or WHATEVER we hide behind or medicate with. All we need to do is to commit to one day at a time. That's it.
So, what AM I hungry for? When I stop to look at this question, the answer is NOT the slice of pumpkin loaf or espresso brownie and accompanying americano I reactively reach for.
Today my hunger is for simplifying my overcommited life immediately: creating solitude in the desert, meditation and quiet time daily, a trip to the hotsprings soon: COMMITING TO MY OWN SELF NURTURING, so I don't need to do it with food.
THAT'S what I'm really hungry for.
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