GRACE

How many of us feel, in some way, that we are currently behind the curve of what we could be doing/experiencing/having in life right now? How many of us feel just plain buried by life? The feeling is like this: it's coming so thick and fast that we're sure we'll never be able to come up for air as we ride a devouring,out-of control flood and will be drowned...right? This feeling is commonplace, especially with how fast life is taking many of us. With the huge amount of change happening in multiple areas of our lives, it's easy to feel like we're chasing after a bullet train without enough steam inside us to catch up with it. Overwhelm sets in,often creating it's own tangents: frustration, feeling not good enough, fast enough, smart enough or conscious enough to be equal to the task of the life that's in front of us. Today was no different for me: lots of dynamic change going on in my life, great opportunities and openings. I've been feeling like it's harvest time, the fruit is dead ripe on the tree and there's so much available that I can't possibly deal with gathering it in properly. So once again, I'm missing the proverbial boat. Thank god for the twists in the path that offer moments of grace and perspective where we see very clearly 1)how far we've actually come, 2)who we really are, 3)why we're here 4) that we haven't missed the boat and 4) yes, believe it or not, we're right on time. The twist today: Company that was supposed to be here for Thanksgiving had a last minute flight snafu, providing the entire day to do something other than cram every blessed moment of the day into activity: preparing the house, the food and being with loved ones nonstop. This unexpectedly relaxed day allowed me to be in a place near sunset where I could take in the last rays of the setting sun in as I have done for months in my sun gazing practice. It's been a recent addition to my spiritual practice with benefits like: getting my body synced up w/ circadian rhythm to assist my adrenals to heal, grounding me AND giving me huge spiritual insights to my life. Those first or last few minutes of the day that I spend with my bare feet on the earth(yes, even in winter) gazing at the sun have truly changed my life. As I completed my 5 minute gaze today with palms facing the sun, a voice said, "You think you're missing it, but in fact every moment of the last 8 years has prepared you for what's about to come next. You are perfectly in position for what's right around the corner and you're right on time." What surprised me most about this information is that I felt this message down to my bones; down to the soles of my feet and the bottom of my gut. I felt it in my BODY....and I know my body doesn't lie. I scanned quickly over the past almost 8 years since I moved to Colorado, reviewing the ups and downs, the seeming mistakes, detours and places where I've just plain held back. None of it seemed to matter anymore. The information I received in this moment today told me that none of the assessments and judgements I have had of myself mattered in relation to what awaited me around the bend. So, even as I was stumbling and seemingly fumbling around in the dark, in the desolation of an apparent desert-- the journey in its entirety, the good, bad and ugly-- ultimately brought me to this place. I don't have a brilliant ending to this post today. It's been a long time since I posted and I'm hoping to bring more consistent offerings to this page on a regular basis. Today, all I can say is: If you're reading this and it applies to you, PERSEVERE. Trust your guidance. Continue putting one foot in front of the other,even if it feels like you're walking in the dark of night. KEEP BREATHING...AND TRUST.

The Fifth Season: FULLNESS

Five months ago I made a decision based on an urgent physical condition...a decision that has changed my life and has taken it in a new direction.

It seemed that the initial move into Five Element Acupuncture was the necessary step to handle quite a few physical issues that I'd been procrastinating on treating. Finally, the pain and debilitating range of motion in my right arm that kept me from sleeping at night AND playing my instruments (violin, viola, cello) as a music teacher and performer was the final wake up call: I HAD to do something, or lose my career.

My holistic/allopathic physician referred me to an orthopedist, who, after an MRI, diagnosed me not only with a bad case of tendonitis but a rotator cuff tear as well. I was referred to physical therapy for a trial period: If it didn't resolve the pain, surgery would be required.

I dove into physical therapy and Five Element Acupuncture as I felt they were complimentary. My insurance didn't cover the acupuncture but I didn't care. I felt the latter would tackle other issues not resolved by allopathic medicine and this acupuncturist came with glowing recommendations from someone I trusted who is very picky about her health practitioners.

My acupuncturist began by educating me (the novice) about the modality. She said:

"Traditionally Classical acupuncture was used as a preventative medicine to stay well and feel better inside of yourself before more serious conditions arose. The fact that it is still being used today after 3000 years is testament to its effectiveness and to the principles and laws of nature on which it is based. It's well known for pain relief and is beneficial for any physical, mental or emotional concern.

Classical Five Element Acupuncture is a distinctive and powerful form of healing based on the principles of nature. It looks to the Five Elements - Wood, Fire, Earth, Metal and Water - which are inherent in all living things, to determine where an imbalance lies within an individual. Symptoms are viewed as distress signals, which indicate a deeper imbalance. Five Element acupuncture addresses the symptoms by treating the root cause of the imbalance, which provides for longer lasting results and helps prevent the recurrence of illness.

Chinese medicine recognizes that there is a vital energy in the body called Chi, which influences the workings of every element, organ and system. This Chi energy must flow freely and smoothly within the body in the proper strength and quality in order for the body to function in a correct healthy balance.

I remember my first acupuncture session vividly: Tracey had just pulled the 1st set of needles out of my back. "How do you feel-- what are you noticing?" In Five Element, she'd been trained to stay with her clients, monitoring their pulses and energy shifts throughout each session. She never left the room as modern acupuncturists will do.

The hair-slender needles were no issue for me. There were a few pricks, but nothing intrusively bothersome. But what I DID notice was a rush of nonverbal information that filled not only my body but my awareness. I burst into tears. The first words out of my mouth were:

"Where......have I been?"




It was as if there was a large, lost part of me that had dropped back inside my present body, heart and soul. I truthfully couldn't remember the last time I felt as strong and authentic a presence of myself as I did in that moment. AND IT LASTED-- throughout the week until the next session. This was the part of myself that was grounded, decisive and open --yet strong. This authentic part told the truth and stood physically grounded at all times with her strong legs and feet solidly connected to the earth like tree trunks. She was totally in her body and a gentle warrior.

As the weeks stretched into months, I had more dramatic experiences as a result of my commitment to see myself through the acupuncture treatments...and I knew my life had transitioned into a big shift. It was like going over a huge waterfall in slow motion. The opening of authenticity I had in my first session grew and started weaving itself into my daily walk, minute by minute, hour by hour. I felt like a pioneer, constantly on the edge of discovering a new, untapped wilderness within myself with more revelations each week. By the beginning of May, a strong, consistent flow of energy from my root chakra astounded me with a more powerful, vibrant, alive, passionate energy than I'd ever experienced. As per my shamanic and other training, I knew this energy could heal myself and others if properly cultivated and used in a good way.

One day in early June, a heavy thunderstorm broke during the middle of my session in Tracey's office, which was situated on the 4th and highest floor of the building. Thunder was crackling overhead and my mind was a little freaked. It was sure the electric energy rushing through my body would act as a lightening rod and attract a powerful bolt right through the roof. But my body, lying face up on the table, totally exposed with needles in it, was perfectly calm. My body felt like the literal eye of the storm around us. ( As a healer, I've facilitated experiences where everyone in the room around me was bursting with healing release as a flash flood does-- a catapulting, cleansing chaos moving down a canyon after a hard rain. Holding space for these healing miracles, I am the calm inside this tremendous vortex of energy.) It was as if all nature was giving me a clue of what was in store, just around the bend.

A couple of weeks later in a session,I felt a strong psychic bridge form itself between the place in me which received visions of my life work-- AND the means to bring those visions into physical reality. It was the beginning of Tracey's feedback telling me "Your pulses are full today. Let's monitor them to see how long they last." A full pulse that isn't pushed indicates an authentic sourcing of energy from the body. What music to my ears THAT was, especially after battling Phase 2 adrenal burnout for over 3 years!

In a subsequent session I learned that underlying the Five Elements of this practice are the five seasons the Chinese look to in their year: Fall, Winter, Spring, Summer and....Late Summer. This fifth season is the time of year that's found at the tail end of summer. It's the time we're in now. Most of us will recognize this season as the time of Harvest - representing the earth's bountiful fruits and vegetables that are ripe and ready to be harvested. It represents "Fullness": the last of the golden summer days of summer heat, dead ripe fruit hanging on the vine, the last remnants of summer green tuning into a tired green before the trees plunge into autumn color and begin to shed their leaves as Fall comes on. Nights are deep and sultry, meteors careen across the sky and the immense potency of summer energy couldn't be any bigger, stuffed into a 24 hr. day. The Fifth Season doesn't last as long as others, especially in the Rockies. Sometimes it will only last a couple of weeks before the energetic tables tip the land into Autumn.

The day before Tracey talked to me about the 5 seasons, I was having a conversation with my tantric mentor about relationship. "The goal", he said, "is to keep yourself in a place of fullness. Fullness of heart and spirit and physical health-- so you never feel the need to source yourself on any level through another person."

Isn't this what healthy relationship is all about? From the place of depletion and scarcity(thus fear)all power struggles arise. From fullness on all levels one moves forward from choice.

In the fullness of Late Summer, I experienced my 2nd and most powerful kundalini experience ever --as I embarked on my present concurrent path of training as a Pranic Energy Healer. It opened the door to a higher level of authenticity and totally blew me away with it's alchemy and power.

After viewing a Facebook link posted by one of my friends in Idaho, I decided to investigate Pranic Healing. It's a practice that fuses both ancient Tibetan and Indian practices long held as secrets to wellness and longevity. Ancient texts and illustrations showing breathing techniques, proper hand motions and body positions have been practiced for thousands of years, yet not accessible to most people, even from the nations they were cultivated in. Not until a few decades ago.

I've observed energy work as a component of physical, emotional and mental health for a while, but never was impressed with reported results as I was with this particular mode. I observed that it's similar to acupuncture but without needles and touch. I made the move to check it out, registering for 2 complimentary evenings and a full Level 1 seminar.


I was totally ripe for a new shift. My commitment and resulting benefits from Five Element Acupuncture had prepared me by opening up a stream of energy available to me that I'd never experienced.

The 2 evenings taught me several kinds of breathing which, when done properly were better than caffeine! I tried them out a number of times, especially when my body was low on sleep and observed that I was alert, energetic, focused yet relaxed for up to 8 hours.

The Level 1 weekend came and I was there with bells on. Psychic self defense, building energy with breath and movement, holding precious chi energy without letting it be drained off, as well as cleansing and channeling energy in the body were taught and practiced. During a cleansing exercise with a partner, a sensation in my solar plexus catalyzed an observation I made to Master Co. A while later, he called me up in front of the class(willing subjects were class demonsrations the entire weekend) to clear what was left of some remaining energy in my solar plexus. I was not prepared for happened next, but did not resist.

Very long.

It was as if the Great Wall fell inside of me, releasing years if not decades of old, stubborn energetic blocks.. As the wall crumbled, I felt a flood of emotion release, once guarded tightly within the blockade. Fortunately, the class had a lunch break right after my experience. I laid in the corner of the training room for most of the break, belly to the earth, releasing what seemed like eons of pain and sadness.

After this release, I noticed my entire being fragile without the Wall, processing the transition in energy for the rest of the afternoon. The old structure was gone, the new one yet to come. I treated myself gently and participated as I could.

Traveling slowly home that evening on I-270, I was higher than a kite but still feeling sensitive and vulnerable from my experiences that day. It seemed as if I was riding a river. I decided to turn on some music. Then what hit me seemed to come out of nowhere.

I first noticed my energy feeling fuller and brighter and larger than any other time in my entire life. I was totally relaxed as I moved down the freeway. I then felt the sensation of white fire erupting from my perineum chakra, shooting straight up my spine, encountering NO BLOCKS (finally!) and pouring out my crown chakra like fire from a rocket engine. My head was so full and hot, it felt like bursting (although no pain). It was as if I felt a wreath of white hot flames encircling my head. As I sat in the car, immersed in the river of fire, I was conscious of the fact that all the locked doors of my previous small life had just been blown out of my old structure. I was now free to venture into a totally new environment where I'd never gone before. There was a feeling deep in my gut that my life would never again be the same.

I had to pull over.

Cars, whizzing past-- I created an energetic cocoon for myself and sat, eyes closed for about 20 minutes. Then realizing I had to get home somehow, I asked my angels to take the car home. When I got home, I briefly shared my experience with my husband, then went to a very quiet place to just sit. Then to the bathtub with candles to soak, as the experience integrated into my cells. Then I slept peacefully, solidly, all night




A week later I notice a clear, positive shift in relationship. I am sleeping well at night, I'm cleaning out on a physical level everything in my surroundings (from inner cleansing to outer clean out) and noticing much more subtle energy moving around me. I can even see auras from time to time. I move with clarity, focus, deciveness and carry an inner peace inside.

It's been an extraordinary 5 months that have accelerated (and continue to accelerate)the entire time, bringing me to an increase in physical health, improved relationship, mental clarity and focus. I'm playing my instruments and swimming again and for the first time-- picked up my fire hoop today and gave it a spin. YESSS! I feel my spirit integrating into a new vibration.

It is fullness embodied.

How The Phoenix Rises: Step 1: Let Yourself Be Taken Down

I know, I know. "WHY?", you say, "Why in God's name would I ever consider doing THAT????"

First of all, don't believe a word I say-- although you might consider those of a master:

The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. ... Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring...The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation, can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of new life and Becoming opened.


Karlfried Graf von Durckheim, "The Way of Transformation"

...and another:

"We have a fear of facing ourselves. That is the obstacle. Experiencing the innermost core of our existence is very embarrassing to a lot of people. A lot of people turn to something that they hope will liberate them without their having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can't do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts. We have to see them. That is the foundation of warriorship, basically speaking. Whatever is there, we have to face it, we have to look at it, study it, work with it....."

-- Chogyam Trungpa


Reader, are you still asking "WHY?"


OK, then I'll tell you what I know for myself.

There's a lot happening right now in 2009 to take folks down, and it's been happening for some time. Bankruptcies, forecloseures, businesses failing, unfaithful marriage partners, family crises, big health issues for some-- the list goes on. You have your version of it and I have mine.

I happen to believe that there are silver linings in these clouds, although the storms of change they carry may wipe out every reference point for us that was dear and comfortable. Yes, there is a gift hidden in the rubble of the structure that once stood in your life, and it may have been a big, impressive structure at that. It could have been a landmark for other people important to you, but most importantly, yourself. It could have been the only thing you thought existed or represented who you were and that NOTHING could replace or match it.

I've got news for you. Something other than the stucture exists and NONE of us who got taken down were able to see past it or go outside it, for that matter. We were prisoners! When structures collapse, we're able to see and deal with what we were blind to or unwilling to work with. What we took for granted. What we didn't take action on...etc., etc., etc. We're also free of its confinements. What waits for us after the structure collapses is a new life, although it may be a life for which we have ZERO reference points and lots of fears and judgements. The wise place inside us knows this. The ego doesn't. It may fight tooth and nail to keep the structure alive and standing. It may also be running around, desperately trying to pick up the pieces to put it all back together again.

There's a great saying by Jack Handy, of "Saturday Night Live":

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."

There's so much pain and and unhappiness that results as we try to fetch the keys! It comes in the form of trying to convince others that we're right by blaming, trying to cover stuff up, finding scapegoats, distracting ourselves with overwork and any number of addictions...and a thousand other "fixes". If we're determined to keep the old, we may get wake up call after wake up call in order to send the message that whatever we're trying to hold on to JUST DOESN'T MATCH WHO WE REALLY ARE. Some may literally die rather than looking at and taking action on what they need to change. There is something deeper inside that's screaming to get out and it will be heard at all costs. So the question becomes "When is it enough?" When have I had enough pain, enough dysfunction and enough struggle in order to finally let go of something that needs to be replaced by a reinvention of who I am?

One of the reasons may be that after the structure collapses, we don't have anything to hold on to, nothing to see ourselves by. This makes the ego go CRAZY. "If I can't be that, "I am nothing, I am a failure, I am worthless," is what the ego has decided prior to the structure collapsing, which is why so many are freaked out when it happens. The truth is, it's a place of REAL transformation and change.

There's a native american story called "The Shaman's Dream". In native cultures, the shaman or village healer-to-be will traditionally pass through experiences (created or natural) in which they are not expected to survive physically, BUT DO. The result is the healer is transformed from the inside out and everges as a very powerful leader and medicine person. The experiences can be anything from getting struck by lightening, to being out in the wilderness for weeks on end with nothing but a blanket and knife, to drowning, to getting bitten by a poisonous insect or reptile, etc. In this particular scenario the initate becomes sick with a very high fever so that she goes into a coma for several days. In the coma she experiences a dream in which she is torn apart by wild animals. In this dismemberment, hair is torn from the scalp, arms taken off, the heart ripped out and eaten(what a metaphor, eh?), eyes plucked from sockets-- you get the idea. She is not even recognizeable because so much of her physical body is now destroyed. She doesn't even recognize herself in this place of death. There is a space of time where the pieces of her former self just lie in the emptiness of her dream. The next thing that happens is that her body is put back together in this emptiness in a whole new way which makes her more powerful and gifted beyond measure. She awakens from the dream, totally "re-membered" to herself and the village. What's important to notice here is that NONE of this transformation gets to happen without her experience.

The place in the shaman's dream where the pieces lie is what indigenous cultures call "The Void". It's the "no-place" place of emptiness, in which the past is gone and the future is not yet here. It is the place of total darkness, like the new moon on a cold winter night. No light, which means navigating in a whole new way. Most people run from this place like crazy. It can be the most disorienting of expeiences for a person who doesn't know how to use its potency. But for the spiritual warrior, it is the crucible of the future. It waits for us as the empty hollow of a cauldron waits for the alchemist...who has in her hands the recipe for a magical elixer which will soon come into form. For the spiritual warrior, this is the place that holds the most powerful of healing medicines. More on "The Void" in the next post.

Day 22: Why Blame Doesn't Work

How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Why Blame Doesn't Work


We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.

I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.

You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror, and here are the stones.

--- Rumi




I received some news yesterday, more poured in today-- news that I didn't want to hear. Although some of you may be curious as hell what it actually was, I'm not telling. I must have some privacy for myself, amid the copious sharing of lots of other details about the inner workings of my life.

Content doesn't really matter anyway, it's what we do with it that matters. How often when we have an uncomfortable experience that challenges our ego do we jump to defend that place inside us that is about to take a huge leap in growth? Yes, growth. What knocked us may feel as if we've been pushed over the edge of a cliff and we're doomed to crash on the rocks below. Nothing but our own wings can save us. Many times we clip our own wings by blaming someone else. It's a very convenient and mostly automatic response to avoid taking any kind of personal responsibility that could really change ours and another's life.

Sure, my ego hurts and wants to be soothed protected by saying "It was totally THAT idiot's fault", but what about the bars in my cell that blaming protects and fortifies? What about my own wings that get clipped by every word of defense?

Blame is never about growth. It's ALWAYS about making someone else responsible for the pain and discomfort I FEEL.

So, I decide that the first step out of the cell is to FEEL. As I look at myself through the mirror of another's actions and words I get to sit with ME and all the emotions that I've landed in. There are no vicims here, only a portal, an opportunity to see the parts of myself that nothing but this moment could reveal to me. I also get to love and forgive myself and all the human things I have done. I drop the stones of blame I held, once poised to be flung at another (and thereby myself).

What remains? Where do I go from here? Truthfully in this moment, I have no idea. What I DO know is that now the emptiness will be filled with something more useful than blame. And before the emptiness of the portal is filled, I walk through.

What does any of this have to do with getting my bod back?

I can feel warm peace in my body instead of the tight stomach and cold, taught muscles that fear produced. I can breathe more easily.

No, the discomfort isn't completely gone, but as the river of self accountability flows, it will eventually carry all the discomfort away, every whit. Once again, I remember how to do this. I've done it before and it IS doable!

Another day, another win to get my body back.

Day 10: Commitment: Self Saboteurs

HOW LYNDS GOT HER BOD BACK: Day 10: Commitment: Self Saboteurs


So sorry readers! I asked you to tune in the day after my last post, and it's now over a week later. GEESH! No excuses, I'm just hopping back in...

Comittment to a blog is important, too!

(Sigh)...so where was I?

Ah, self saboteurs. (laughing) Of course-- PERFECT.

Knowing I can't hang ANY responsibility on anyone else for my experience always allows me more freedom from the victim position when it comes to commitment.

I don't know about you, but here's how I sabotage myself.

1. I make unclear comittments, ones that PART of me can agree to, but not all of me. So there's a divided team inside from the start. For one, I often don't consult my body. More on that later.

2. I make unrealistic comittments, which immediately set me up for failure.

3. I create no support to keep me in my comittments. This is different than holding my support people responsible for my breaking my own comittments.

Here are a few more. In their book "The Conscious Heart", relationship pioneers Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks sum up four reasons why we break our commitments:

1. We make insincere commitments
2. We commit to things we cannot control
3. We leave a back door open
4. We make unconscious commitments that contradict the original commitment

If I'm really wanting to get my bod back, I'll set up the comittments I make to get my results along these guidelines:

1. Comittments are made from a whole being "YES" (body, mind, heart, spirit, adult and also the little kid within me. Yes, the kid gets a vote!)

2. I set up support and make clear agreements with those involved as to how to support me. AND THEN ALLOW MYSELF TO BE SUPPORTD. (Just a reminder to myself)

3. This is a NO EXIT game. Period. (I know, I know. There is a part of me chiding "god Lynds, what are you doing?")

4. I am 100% responsible for creating all of my experience.

5. I do a daily check in with my whole being (listed in #1 above. This will nip any kind of mutiny in the bud).

6. Recommit when necessary. (If I walked away from my first bike the moment I fell off, I'd have never had the pleasure of the bike rides I take today!)

As a parting observation, it's really interesting I'd be starting all this body stuff right before the biggest holday season of the year. Hmmm, hmmm......I guess I want a differnt experience of that this year!

How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Day 2: Commitment: Crossing the Abyss

Hooo-EEE!

Going over the edge of the cliff into commitment is quite the experience.

The reason I start with "the 'C' word: It's a place many of us run from. Yeah, I'm definitely NOT satisfied with where I am and want I the good stuff so bad I can taste it! I'll make that list of everything I'm going to do, things I know have worked in the past and absolutely WILL work today and tomorrow. I will begin with sparkling dreams and gusto through each day for a certain period of time, plunging through all kinds of adventures to come closer to attaining my prize. I'll start to get results and pat myself on the back for the results I've created. People will even compliment me and it feels like I'm on a roll.

Then something happens.

Before long I'm feeling the same way I did prior to embarking on the journey: disgusted with myself.

WHAT HAPPENED? I tell myself that somewhere along the way, THIS (whatever circumstance feels the most believeable) happened. Yup, that was it and I'm sticking to my story. It could be any one of a slew of circumstances (we all have our favorites), some of which might seem very understandable as to why I abandonded my ship. Even sadder is the fact that I didn't even throw myself a rope so I have a chance of being on board again. I just let myself go. It's then months and maybe even years before I attempt this project again.

The plain and simple fact here is that I surrendered my commitment.

Today I know that none of the reasons why I lost my grip even matter. None of the reasons why I didn't ask for support while I was falling don't matter either. Plain and simple, instead of recommiting, I gave up on myself. Instead of keeping my word TO ME, I let my dream fall farther and farther, eventually disappearing sight.

Wow, sit and breathe with that one for a moment, Lynds.

Admitting that fact is the first step to a major rewire in this area for me. Honesty is good medicine! It may be the first handhold that would save the sinking dream. Whew! Having that awareness, maybe I actually have a chance at this really hapening.

Now I can go over the cliff, embarking on the new adventure, but my sound advice to myself is that I'd better be on belay and have a damn good belayer. To leave the place of of "this isn't working and I want something different" to "I'm there and man, does this feel GOOD!", there's the not-so-little matter of crossing the space in between: The Abyss. Peering into the depths of it I see the wreckage of past years, even past months. It's not fun to look at and less fun to remember. YIKES!

The truth of getting the reliable belayer is that she's not far away. I stand in her shoes. No one is responsible for keeping my committment to be on belay other than myself. The farther away from myself I attempt to go to hang responsibility for this venture, the longer I'll put off my dream until it becomes too late. Trust me, I've done it far too many times, with miserable results. With myself now as belayer, how do I do that well, instead of turning into my own saboteur?

Tune in tomorrow!

How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Day 1

I really don't even know how to begin this, so here goes....

How Lynds Got Her Bod Back......what's that about?

Actually right now I have no idea, except just one:

Commitment. Whatever I decide to do to get my body back, I will do for a year. That span will provide me with some time to get there-- and time to hang out and feel what it's like maintaining that place. A year from now on 11/11/10, I will be looking back on "The Year I Took My Bod Back".

Will it inspire anyone? Dunno. Will I be a better person for having given myself to the journey? Absolutely. Why?

Simply because it's TIME. I am 51 years of age. I have two exceptional grown children, a son-in-law and 2 adorable grandchildren. I'm in my 2nd marriage to a wonderful man, teach a group of amazing string students and am a dynamic life coach. I'm 5'9" and today, I'm weighing in at 181 lb.

I want my body back.

Although this year will be about doing the things to shed the weight and get a healthier, flexible, more resilient body, I already know FAR more than that will be involved. I'm a person who likes taking life DEEP and my present quest is no different. It's NOT about skimming the surface of "going on a diet" and performing a regular exercise regimen. I think that's why so many folks (myself included) who lose weight this way, gain it back sooner than later. I'm looking for a lifestyle change that will stay with me the rest of my days. I have been heavy most of my life and enjoyed being slender and fit too seldom in my 51 years. There is a price I've paid for being heavy that long, as well as a mindset and way of life that comes with with it. I also have a feeling like I'm on the verge of a revolution.

A REVOLUTION. What's different today is that I'm going to let my commitment transform me. I'm putting that concept to the test. Letting my commitments transform me. Oh, oh...SO easier said than done! So to up the anty, I'm trapping myself into this in a rather big way: I am actually exposing myself to public view as I undertake all this, something I would have fled from years ago. Yup, if I don't tell anyone I can let this commitment slip away the first time I'm pushed into an uncomfortable place and there will be no consequence.

Except with my body, of course. WHO DID I THINK I WAS KIDDING? The consequence: I land back at square one. Yeah, no one will know, except the most important player: ME. There's a part of me ranting: "You're effing crazy". Uh huh, the part that wants the status quo. "Don't rock the boat, we're doing just fine." More about that part in subsequent posts.

I look at today's date: 11/11/2009. Three elevens. They look like portals to me. One for the past, one for the present, one for the future. The place I hope to spend most of my waking hours is TODAY, and each today I encounter this year. More specifically, the present moment. Right now, RIGHT NOW. One day at a time, one moving moment at a time.

That's the first place I think I'll get my bod back: the present moment. The place where I can best be IN my body. The only place, really.

Hmmm, IN my body. That's the place I'm starting first. A commitment to be in my body.

awakening in yoga class

This morning, cocooned in natural light
streaming through
huge, west-facing windows in yoga class,
I slipped into
Wondering.

Body and soul opened,
and i peered deep into the cave of
Wondering.
Memories of a grade school time,
the memory of
my father's unbridled laughter streaming from
my core,
a blood memory,
omnipresent,
clear as the sun, never fading.

I walked in,
sat in the cave of
Wondering
so I could see
what was outside
and FEEL
what was inside,
breathing the feeling
down to my bones.
Stillness
and the medicine
of that blood memory
imbedded in the double helix.

I walked out of class
still wondering,
wrapped in the memory
of easy laughter and joyful living
wondering in my cells
what it would be like
to look at myself
without the padding surrounding my body.
Would the lines of each asana
be more grace-full, effortless,
less strain in my face,
more easy peace shining from within?

No thoughts of
"you should have" or
"you ought to"
crossed the barrier
of the cave's opening.

What would it feel like
to let it go?
padding, judgements
rigid expectations
pushing, deadlines?
Only choice
to step forward into each
present moment.

Today
the Wondering
becomes a walking mantra
filling each
present
NOW.

New doors open,
long closed.
A new world to
walk in,
to wake in
and grow into
emerges from
the cave of
Wonder.