Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.
-- Mary Oliver
Traversing the Void in a body. What a effin trip!
For any of us going through any transition periods and periods of uncertainty, the more we can be in our body, the better. Part of getting my body back is taking it along for the ride.
What does it mean to be in my body?
For me, it's making my feet solid as tree trunks, planted on the ground, moving down into my gut, landing between my head and looking out through my eyes. Then I get to feel everything inside-- all the sensations that tell me the truth at every moment. My body will never lie. The question is, WILL I LISTEN? Most of us greatly underestimate the information and wisdom our body imparts on a daily and moment-by-moment basis.
I really have to say that some days the void (and thus my body) is peaceful. Somedays it's turbulent and very uncomfortable. Those are the days I have to pay extra attention to breathe (versus holding my breath), move slower inside, put myself to bed early, excercise and eat well. But one unmistakeable characteristic of the Void is-- there are no guarantees. My sister remarked on the place of Mystery: "The cauldron of possibility! Living with the question, not forcing a premature answer."
So aptly described. I felt a big "YES' in my body when I read that sentence yesterday. Yet today I have a knot in my stomach which tells me of my current discomfort of uncertainty.
What am I going to do today with the information I have? Scramble for a position so my ego will be more comfortable in not knowing outcomes? One day it's this. One day it's that.
"Why are we in such a haste to have answers? We jump on the first promise of salvation that comes. Why not stay with the question? What makes you think that salvation is the answer, that freedom is the answer? What makes you think that enlightenment is the answer? What makes you think that love is the answer? You might feel that you want these things, but how do you know that getting them is the best thing that could happen in this moment? How do you know whether you're supposed to be dead or alive, rich or poor, free or enslaved? Is it possible to let your mind be free?
I am not trying to give you an answer; I'm just giving you a question. You need to let your being be ablaze like a flame, an aspiring flame, with no preconceived ideas about what it aspires to. To be just burning intensely, deeply wanting to know, wanting to see the truth without following any preconceptions, totally in the present with the question itself, and let it burn away all the ideas, all the beliefs, all the concepts, even the ones you learned from the great teachings. If you don't allow that flame completely, will you ever rest in your life? Will you ever rest in your life as long as you're covering up your question, answering it before it's really answered? Will you ever really be content with someone else's answer? "
A.H. Almaas Diamond Heart, Book III
Hmm......if I can suspend my need to always have an answer, my body just might make it through this transition a little easier. All I have to do is one day, one moment at a time. That's all I know about how to live in this place.
Next Post: The New Moon at Winter Solstice
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
How The Phoenix Rises: Step 1: Let Yourself Be Taken Down
I know, I know. "WHY?", you say, "Why in God's name would I ever consider doing THAT????"
First of all, don't believe a word I say-- although you might consider those of a master:
The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. ... Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring...The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation, can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of new life and Becoming opened.
Karlfried Graf von Durckheim, "The Way of Transformation"
...and another:
"We have a fear of facing ourselves. That is the obstacle. Experiencing the innermost core of our existence is very embarrassing to a lot of people. A lot of people turn to something that they hope will liberate them without their having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can't do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts. We have to see them. That is the foundation of warriorship, basically speaking. Whatever is there, we have to face it, we have to look at it, study it, work with it....."
-- Chogyam Trungpa
Reader, are you still asking "WHY?"
OK, then I'll tell you what I know for myself.
There's a lot happening right now in 2009 to take folks down, and it's been happening for some time. Bankruptcies, forecloseures, businesses failing, unfaithful marriage partners, family crises, big health issues for some-- the list goes on. You have your version of it and I have mine.
I happen to believe that there are silver linings in these clouds, although the storms of change they carry may wipe out every reference point for us that was dear and comfortable. Yes, there is a gift hidden in the rubble of the structure that once stood in your life, and it may have been a big, impressive structure at that. It could have been a landmark for other people important to you, but most importantly, yourself. It could have been the only thing you thought existed or represented who you were and that NOTHING could replace or match it.
I've got news for you. Something other than the stucture exists and NONE of us who got taken down were able to see past it or go outside it, for that matter. We were prisoners! When structures collapse, we're able to see and deal with what we were blind to or unwilling to work with. What we took for granted. What we didn't take action on...etc., etc., etc. We're also free of its confinements. What waits for us after the structure collapses is a new life, although it may be a life for which we have ZERO reference points and lots of fears and judgements. The wise place inside us knows this. The ego doesn't. It may fight tooth and nail to keep the structure alive and standing. It may also be running around, desperately trying to pick up the pieces to put it all back together again.
There's a great saying by Jack Handy, of "Saturday Night Live":
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
There's so much pain and and unhappiness that results as we try to fetch the keys! It comes in the form of trying to convince others that we're right by blaming, trying to cover stuff up, finding scapegoats, distracting ourselves with overwork and any number of addictions...and a thousand other "fixes". If we're determined to keep the old, we may get wake up call after wake up call in order to send the message that whatever we're trying to hold on to JUST DOESN'T MATCH WHO WE REALLY ARE. Some may literally die rather than looking at and taking action on what they need to change. There is something deeper inside that's screaming to get out and it will be heard at all costs. So the question becomes "When is it enough?" When have I had enough pain, enough dysfunction and enough struggle in order to finally let go of something that needs to be replaced by a reinvention of who I am?
One of the reasons may be that after the structure collapses, we don't have anything to hold on to, nothing to see ourselves by. This makes the ego go CRAZY. "If I can't be that, "I am nothing, I am a failure, I am worthless," is what the ego has decided prior to the structure collapsing, which is why so many are freaked out when it happens. The truth is, it's a place of REAL transformation and change.
There's a native american story called "The Shaman's Dream". In native cultures, the shaman or village healer-to-be will traditionally pass through experiences (created or natural) in which they are not expected to survive physically, BUT DO. The result is the healer is transformed from the inside out and everges as a very powerful leader and medicine person. The experiences can be anything from getting struck by lightening, to being out in the wilderness for weeks on end with nothing but a blanket and knife, to drowning, to getting bitten by a poisonous insect or reptile, etc. In this particular scenario the initate becomes sick with a very high fever so that she goes into a coma for several days. In the coma she experiences a dream in which she is torn apart by wild animals. In this dismemberment, hair is torn from the scalp, arms taken off, the heart ripped out and eaten(what a metaphor, eh?), eyes plucked from sockets-- you get the idea. She is not even recognizeable because so much of her physical body is now destroyed. She doesn't even recognize herself in this place of death. There is a space of time where the pieces of her former self just lie in the emptiness of her dream. The next thing that happens is that her body is put back together in this emptiness in a whole new way which makes her more powerful and gifted beyond measure. She awakens from the dream, totally "re-membered" to herself and the village. What's important to notice here is that NONE of this transformation gets to happen without her experience.
The place in the shaman's dream where the pieces lie is what indigenous cultures call "The Void". It's the "no-place" place of emptiness, in which the past is gone and the future is not yet here. It is the place of total darkness, like the new moon on a cold winter night. No light, which means navigating in a whole new way. Most people run from this place like crazy. It can be the most disorienting of expeiences for a person who doesn't know how to use its potency. But for the spiritual warrior, it is the crucible of the future. It waits for us as the empty hollow of a cauldron waits for the alchemist...who has in her hands the recipe for a magical elixer which will soon come into form. For the spiritual warrior, this is the place that holds the most powerful of healing medicines. More on "The Void" in the next post.
First of all, don't believe a word I say-- although you might consider those of a master:
The man who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers him refuge and comfort and encourages his old self to survive. ... Only to the extent that man exposes himself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within him. In this lies the dignity of daring...The first necessity is that we should have the courage to face life, and to encounter all that is most perilous in the world. Only if we venture repeatedly through zones of annihilation, can our contact with Divine Being, which is beyond annihilation, become firm and stable. The more a man learns whole-heartedly to confront the world that threatens him with isolation, the more are the depths of the Ground of Being revealed and the possibilities of new life and Becoming opened.
Karlfried Graf von Durckheim, "The Way of Transformation"
...and another:
"We have a fear of facing ourselves. That is the obstacle. Experiencing the innermost core of our existence is very embarrassing to a lot of people. A lot of people turn to something that they hope will liberate them without their having to face themselves. That is impossible. We can't do that. We have to be honest with ourselves. We have to see our gut, our excrement, our most undesirable parts. We have to see them. That is the foundation of warriorship, basically speaking. Whatever is there, we have to face it, we have to look at it, study it, work with it....."
-- Chogyam Trungpa
Reader, are you still asking "WHY?"
OK, then I'll tell you what I know for myself.
There's a lot happening right now in 2009 to take folks down, and it's been happening for some time. Bankruptcies, forecloseures, businesses failing, unfaithful marriage partners, family crises, big health issues for some-- the list goes on. You have your version of it and I have mine.
I happen to believe that there are silver linings in these clouds, although the storms of change they carry may wipe out every reference point for us that was dear and comfortable. Yes, there is a gift hidden in the rubble of the structure that once stood in your life, and it may have been a big, impressive structure at that. It could have been a landmark for other people important to you, but most importantly, yourself. It could have been the only thing you thought existed or represented who you were and that NOTHING could replace or match it.
I've got news for you. Something other than the stucture exists and NONE of us who got taken down were able to see past it or go outside it, for that matter. We were prisoners! When structures collapse, we're able to see and deal with what we were blind to or unwilling to work with. What we took for granted. What we didn't take action on...etc., etc., etc. We're also free of its confinements. What waits for us after the structure collapses is a new life, although it may be a life for which we have ZERO reference points and lots of fears and judgements. The wise place inside us knows this. The ego doesn't. It may fight tooth and nail to keep the structure alive and standing. It may also be running around, desperately trying to pick up the pieces to put it all back together again.
There's a great saying by Jack Handy, of "Saturday Night Live":
"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because, man, they're gone."
There's so much pain and and unhappiness that results as we try to fetch the keys! It comes in the form of trying to convince others that we're right by blaming, trying to cover stuff up, finding scapegoats, distracting ourselves with overwork and any number of addictions...and a thousand other "fixes". If we're determined to keep the old, we may get wake up call after wake up call in order to send the message that whatever we're trying to hold on to JUST DOESN'T MATCH WHO WE REALLY ARE. Some may literally die rather than looking at and taking action on what they need to change. There is something deeper inside that's screaming to get out and it will be heard at all costs. So the question becomes "When is it enough?" When have I had enough pain, enough dysfunction and enough struggle in order to finally let go of something that needs to be replaced by a reinvention of who I am?
One of the reasons may be that after the structure collapses, we don't have anything to hold on to, nothing to see ourselves by. This makes the ego go CRAZY. "If I can't be that, "I am nothing, I am a failure, I am worthless," is what the ego has decided prior to the structure collapsing, which is why so many are freaked out when it happens. The truth is, it's a place of REAL transformation and change.
There's a native american story called "The Shaman's Dream". In native cultures, the shaman or village healer-to-be will traditionally pass through experiences (created or natural) in which they are not expected to survive physically, BUT DO. The result is the healer is transformed from the inside out and everges as a very powerful leader and medicine person. The experiences can be anything from getting struck by lightening, to being out in the wilderness for weeks on end with nothing but a blanket and knife, to drowning, to getting bitten by a poisonous insect or reptile, etc. In this particular scenario the initate becomes sick with a very high fever so that she goes into a coma for several days. In the coma she experiences a dream in which she is torn apart by wild animals. In this dismemberment, hair is torn from the scalp, arms taken off, the heart ripped out and eaten(what a metaphor, eh?), eyes plucked from sockets-- you get the idea. She is not even recognizeable because so much of her physical body is now destroyed. She doesn't even recognize herself in this place of death. There is a space of time where the pieces of her former self just lie in the emptiness of her dream. The next thing that happens is that her body is put back together in this emptiness in a whole new way which makes her more powerful and gifted beyond measure. She awakens from the dream, totally "re-membered" to herself and the village. What's important to notice here is that NONE of this transformation gets to happen without her experience.
The place in the shaman's dream where the pieces lie is what indigenous cultures call "The Void". It's the "no-place" place of emptiness, in which the past is gone and the future is not yet here. It is the place of total darkness, like the new moon on a cold winter night. No light, which means navigating in a whole new way. Most people run from this place like crazy. It can be the most disorienting of expeiences for a person who doesn't know how to use its potency. But for the spiritual warrior, it is the crucible of the future. It waits for us as the empty hollow of a cauldron waits for the alchemist...who has in her hands the recipe for a magical elixer which will soon come into form. For the spiritual warrior, this is the place that holds the most powerful of healing medicines. More on "The Void" in the next post.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Day 24: Becoming the Alchemist
IMAGINAL JOURNEY
I am a wind on the deep waters.
I am a fish, I bear the soul through the dark waters.
I am a tree, I suck the poison and transform it to life.
--Asphodel P. Long
"If you take me down now, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine."
-- Obi Wan Kenobi to Darth Vadar in "Star Wars"
Yes, let yourself be taken down. Just a short post today-- a potent idea I'll go into detail with next time. Whether this idea intrigues or repulses you, the reality is that life is full of experiences that take us down. The truth is, letting ourselves be taken down gives us the first possiblity to drink poison that is actually a very powerful healing, transformative medicine. Becoming the alchemist of your own life who can drink this particular poison is like being a condor. This bird is able to eat stuff that would kill the rest of us and uses it for life giving nourishment. I promise you that you can do the same. I'm doing it myself right now.
Next up on the blog: "How the Phoenix Rises: Step 1: Let Yourself Be Taken Down"
I am a wind on the deep waters.
I am a fish, I bear the soul through the dark waters.
I am a tree, I suck the poison and transform it to life.
--Asphodel P. Long
"If you take me down now, I shall become more powerful than you can ever imagine."
-- Obi Wan Kenobi to Darth Vadar in "Star Wars"
Yes, let yourself be taken down. Just a short post today-- a potent idea I'll go into detail with next time. Whether this idea intrigues or repulses you, the reality is that life is full of experiences that take us down. The truth is, letting ourselves be taken down gives us the first possiblity to drink poison that is actually a very powerful healing, transformative medicine. Becoming the alchemist of your own life who can drink this particular poison is like being a condor. This bird is able to eat stuff that would kill the rest of us and uses it for life giving nourishment. I promise you that you can do the same. I'm doing it myself right now.
Next up on the blog: "How the Phoenix Rises: Step 1: Let Yourself Be Taken Down"
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Day 22: Why Blame Doesn't Work
How Lynds Got Her Bod Back: Why Blame Doesn't Work
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.
I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.
You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror, and here are the stones.
--- Rumi
I received some news yesterday, more poured in today-- news that I didn't want to hear. Although some of you may be curious as hell what it actually was, I'm not telling. I must have some privacy for myself, amid the copious sharing of lots of other details about the inner workings of my life.
Content doesn't really matter anyway, it's what we do with it that matters. How often when we have an uncomfortable experience that challenges our ego do we jump to defend that place inside us that is about to take a huge leap in growth? Yes, growth. What knocked us may feel as if we've been pushed over the edge of a cliff and we're doomed to crash on the rocks below. Nothing but our own wings can save us. Many times we clip our own wings by blaming someone else. It's a very convenient and mostly automatic response to avoid taking any kind of personal responsibility that could really change ours and another's life.
Sure, my ego hurts and wants to be soothed protected by saying "It was totally THAT idiot's fault", but what about the bars in my cell that blaming protects and fortifies? What about my own wings that get clipped by every word of defense?
Blame is never about growth. It's ALWAYS about making someone else responsible for the pain and discomfort I FEEL.
So, I decide that the first step out of the cell is to FEEL. As I look at myself through the mirror of another's actions and words I get to sit with ME and all the emotions that I've landed in. There are no vicims here, only a portal, an opportunity to see the parts of myself that nothing but this moment could reveal to me. I also get to love and forgive myself and all the human things I have done. I drop the stones of blame I held, once poised to be flung at another (and thereby myself).
What remains? Where do I go from here? Truthfully in this moment, I have no idea. What I DO know is that now the emptiness will be filled with something more useful than blame. And before the emptiness of the portal is filled, I walk through.
What does any of this have to do with getting my bod back?
I can feel warm peace in my body instead of the tight stomach and cold, taught muscles that fear produced. I can breathe more easily.
No, the discomfort isn't completely gone, but as the river of self accountability flows, it will eventually carry all the discomfort away, every whit. Once again, I remember how to do this. I've done it before and it IS doable!
Another day, another win to get my body back.
We are the mirror as well as the face in it.
We are tasting the taste this minute
of eternity. We are pain
and what cures pain, both. We are
the sweet cold water and the jar that pours.
I want to hold you close like a lute,
so we can cry out with loving.
You would rather throw stones at a mirror?
I am your mirror, and here are the stones.
--- Rumi
I received some news yesterday, more poured in today-- news that I didn't want to hear. Although some of you may be curious as hell what it actually was, I'm not telling. I must have some privacy for myself, amid the copious sharing of lots of other details about the inner workings of my life.
Content doesn't really matter anyway, it's what we do with it that matters. How often when we have an uncomfortable experience that challenges our ego do we jump to defend that place inside us that is about to take a huge leap in growth? Yes, growth. What knocked us may feel as if we've been pushed over the edge of a cliff and we're doomed to crash on the rocks below. Nothing but our own wings can save us. Many times we clip our own wings by blaming someone else. It's a very convenient and mostly automatic response to avoid taking any kind of personal responsibility that could really change ours and another's life.
Sure, my ego hurts and wants to be soothed protected by saying "It was totally THAT idiot's fault", but what about the bars in my cell that blaming protects and fortifies? What about my own wings that get clipped by every word of defense?
Blame is never about growth. It's ALWAYS about making someone else responsible for the pain and discomfort I FEEL.
So, I decide that the first step out of the cell is to FEEL. As I look at myself through the mirror of another's actions and words I get to sit with ME and all the emotions that I've landed in. There are no vicims here, only a portal, an opportunity to see the parts of myself that nothing but this moment could reveal to me. I also get to love and forgive myself and all the human things I have done. I drop the stones of blame I held, once poised to be flung at another (and thereby myself).
What remains? Where do I go from here? Truthfully in this moment, I have no idea. What I DO know is that now the emptiness will be filled with something more useful than blame. And before the emptiness of the portal is filled, I walk through.
What does any of this have to do with getting my bod back?
I can feel warm peace in my body instead of the tight stomach and cold, taught muscles that fear produced. I can breathe more easily.
No, the discomfort isn't completely gone, but as the river of self accountability flows, it will eventually carry all the discomfort away, every whit. Once again, I remember how to do this. I've done it before and it IS doable!
Another day, another win to get my body back.
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